Horrible KOMBAT Histories
by brave1
Summary: The Lore of Mortal Kombat, in the style of BBC's "Horrible Histories" with the one and only Reptile replacing Rattus as the host.
1. Chapter 1

_Silly Sorcerors_  
_Naughty Ninjas_  
_Terrible Tarkatans_  
_Atrocious Actors_

_Funny finishers_  
_Spooky Spectres_  
_Wretched Wraiths_  
_Outrageous Osh-teks_  
_Edenians: Sexy and Eternal,_  
_MKX: Don't mess with Kotal!_

_There's a Lin Kuei hiding in a blizzard_  
_With your host: The talking lizard!_  
_The game is no longer a mystery_  
_Welcome to: _

_**HORRIBLE KOMBAT HISTORIES**_

.

That's right folks - the Lore of Mortal Kombat, in the style of BBC's _Horrible Histories_ with the one and only Reptile replacing Rattus as the host. (I also plan to have Quan Chi doing the Stupid Deaths segment)

If you have any suggestions on which parts of the MK Lore should get the HH treatment, please feel free to post in the comments.


	2. Outrageous Osh-Tek

MK is property of Tobias and Boon.  
Horrible Histories is Property of BBC.  
I own nothing.

.

**Outrageous Osh-Tek  
**

(A/N: MK X Comic #8)

THE SHOKAN ENCAMPMENT, OUTWORLD

Kotal Kahn stands outside the Shokan camp, sword in hand, ready to fight.

Goro approaches. "Stay here, I will handle the 'emperor' myself," he tells his men.

"Goro! For the death of my father and my race - I challenge you!" Kotal declares.

"Shao Kahn would never allow an Osh-tek to rule Outworld," Goro says. "He knew better than to treat a Shokan Prince like a servant.

"Yet you serve a deranged temptress like Mileena?"

"You misunderstand me," Goro replies. " Shokan tradition forbids subservience. We live to CONQUER!"

**_ROUND 1: FIG-  
_**  
"Wait!" Kotal says.

"What is it?" Goro growls.

"The Sun isn't up yet."

"So?"

"Osh-Tek only fight in the Sun."

Goro checks his watch. It's only 5am.

"Fine."

(**_FACT_**_: When exposed to direct UV radiation, a single Osh-tek can display almost God-like strength and power. In the dark however, they're as weak as any mortal_.)

Kotal reaches into his pocket and produces bottles of Sun Tan lotion and Coconut Oil which he starts to lather over his entire body (and by that we mean everywhere).

"Is that really necessary?" Goro asks.

"They're predicting a hot one today," Kotal replies. "Want some?"

"No thanks, I'm good."

Finally, dawn breaks.

**_FIGHT-_**

"Hold it," Goro says. "I've got to warm up."

"Seriously?" Kotal frowns.

"Five centuries on the tournament circuit takes it toll, you know?"

Goro does a series of lunges, stretches, dips.

(**_FACT_**_: Due to their larger size and additional limbs, it could take a Shokan warrior up to two hours to properly stretch out and warm up for a fight, hence why Shang Tsung would only bring out Goro for the semi-final at the tournament_.)

After two more hours, Goro is pumped and ready.

"No mercy, no quarter. A Shokan has no need for these things!"

"_Kee-Yarr_!" Kotal yells as the two charge at each other.

Goro grabs Kotal with his lower arms in a bear hug, using his upper arms to throw a series of hooks to Kotal's head.

Kotal brought up his sword - and lops off Goro's upper right arm.

"Argh!" The Shokan yells.

"So you concede defeat?"

"Never!" Goro roars defiantly. "It's just a flesh wound!"

"Just a flesh wound? I just cut off one of you arms!"

"Ha! I've had worse!"

"You lie!"

"Come on, you big blue pansy!"

Goro charges again - this time Kotal cuts off both of Goro's left arms.

"Damn you, I'm left handed!" Goro groans.

"Victory is mine!"

"I'm not done yet!" Goro starts slapping at Kotal.

"Stop that!"

"Have at you!"

Kotal finally cuts off the remaining arm. At last Goro gives in and drops to his knees.

"Go on," he begs. "Do it!"

Kotal is ready to deliver the _coup de grace_, but suddenly hesitates.

"You actually want me to give you a mercy killing, yet Shokan don't believe in mercy during battles, do you?"

He sheathed his sword and began to walk away.

"I hate you," Goro snarls.

.

**REPTILE**: "During battle, a Shokan warrior was expected to go all out to the death. Yet there was no greater sin then to walk away from battle - either in victory or defeat - as an amputee, a fact that Kotal Kahn knew all too well.  
And so, the Osh-Tek ruler sent Goro back to his father, King Gorbak, knowing that the Prince would herby forfeit his military rank as well as his claim as heir to the Shokan kingdom.

Instead, out of love, King Gorbak took pity upon Prince Goro, thus leading to a war between the Shokan forces and Kotal Kahn's. It just goes to show that when it comes to war and peace, don't fight the spoiled brats -  
go straight for Dad instead!"


	3. STUPID DEATHS: Frost

MK is property of Tobias and Boon.  
Horrible Histories is Property of BBC.  
I own nothing.

**STUPID DEATHS: Frost**

_Stupid deaths, stupids deaths  
They're funny 'cause they're true  
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths,  
Hope next time it's not you!_

THE NETHERREALM

Quan Chi is sitting at a desk with a clip board in his hands.

"Next!"

Frost enters the interviewing room.

"And who might you be, my dear?" Quan Chi asks.

"I am Grandmaster Frost of the Lin Kuei," she answers.

Quan Chi looked at his clip board. "That's funny, you're listed here as 'apprentice'."

"Yes…" Frost replies. "I'm kind of here due to a dispute about that."

"Do tell," Quan Chi offered.

"You see, my master Sub-Zero was doing a talent search in the hope of recruiting new members for the Lin Kuei, so he decided to hold a private tournament of his own. Of course, I decided to sign up since I have ice powers, and what do you know? I actually won and got to be his personal disciple."

"That must have been quite an honor," Quan Chi commented.

"It sure as hell was!" Frost beamed. "He taught me all of his own techniques while I invented a few of my own. All of a sudden, the Deadly Alliance show up, and we had to join the Earthrealm fighters which meant putting my training on hold."

"But at least you got some adventure right?"

Frost rolled her eyes. "If only. Like, I kept arguing with everyone and to make matters worse, my master was siding with Sonya!"

"I take it you and Ms Blade aren't exactly BFFs?"

"She's a total bitch."

"Heh heh – _say what_?!"

"She's a dirty-rotten-whore who deserves to O.D. on Johnny Cage's ritalin stash and choke on cocaine!"

"Um…"

"And her daughter has the nerve to snub me in the latest game!" Frost exclaims. "You know, I was in L.A. last week to compete in an MMA match. And guess who I'm pitted against?"

"Cassie Cage?"

"Exactly! I mean, like, she was underage, underclassed and inexperienced while I'm ten times deadlier than she is, not to mention being way cuter. How many cosplayers at Comic-Con dressed up as a Hollywood Army brat? None! How many went as yours truly? See! But who gets to be the main character in the new game? Yep, her! And all I get is ten seconds in a lousy cutscene! Just because she's the daughter of the most unlikely couple on Earth."

"So," Quan Chi, said, "about the 'Grandmaster' title…"

"Oh, right! So, Sub-Zero and I go on the quest to Outworld hoping to discover where our powers came from. It was so epic! We found an ancient Cryomancer temple and inside was this funky suit of armor with a magic medallion thingy that could increase the powers of any cryomancer four-fold!"

"And no doubt you thought possessing this medallion would make you grandmaster?"

"I was so pumped! I grabbed the medallion and was ready to do my 'Let it Go' routine, but instead I froze myself."

"How, pray tell, does a cryomancer freeze themself?" Quan Chi frowned.

"Don't ask me! Normally when you go on an archeological exploration there's some kind of explanation lying around near the artifact that warns you about these things, isn't there? We'll, at least that's what happens in the movies."

"But you forget that isn't a movie, it's a _video game_."

"I guess you're right," Frost sighed.

"Well, you're through!" Quan Chi says.

Frost bows and scampers off.

Quan Chi shook his head.

"_Diva!"_


	4. Atrocious Actors

**ATROCIOUS ACTORS**

JOHNNY CAGE'S LOFT,  
HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA

"Come on guys, you promised we'd watch it!" Cassie pleaded.

"Fine," Jacqui said.

Takeda placed the disc in the DVD player as the Special Forces team took their places on the couch. Within seconds, the title and intro credits started to roll.

WARNER BROS. PRESENTS

MORTAL KOMBAT

WRITTEN AND PRODUCED BY JOHNNY CAGE

DIRECTED BY "Alan Smithee"

Cassie immediately grabs the remote and hits the Fast Forward button.

"What are you doing?" Kung Jin asks.

"Do you guys really want to see my Dad's name on the screen thirty seven times before the actual movie starts?"

The film opens to a scene on Shang Tsung's island.

_"Combatants, let the tournament commence!" An actor dressed as Shang Tsung announced. "The first challenge - Johnny Cage!"_

_Johnny, playing himself, "boss-walks" in slow motion onto the set._

_"I make this look easy!"_

_"Your challenge shall be against-" 'Shang' waves his hands dramatically "-REPTILE!"_

_Johnny suddenly finds himself standing in a rocky desert (that bears a not-so-uncanny resemblance to the Vasquez Rock formation in California). He turns and comes face to face with a stuntman wearing a latex lizard suit._

_"Hssss! Grrrrrrng!" 'Reptile' growls as he slowly moves towards Johnny._

"Why does Reptile sound like his lungs are filled with phlegm?" Jacqui asks.

"*Cough*SHATNER*Cough!" Takeda adds.

_'Reptile' takes a swipe at Johnny, who ducks and counters with a ridge hand to Reptile's neck that causes the saurian to stumble back, allowing Johnny to slip away and run up the rock formation where he finds a large rock and hurls it at Reptile's head-_

_And it just bounces off._

"So a ridge-hand will make Reptile stumble, but a rock to the face does nothing?" Kung Jin frowned.

"Quiet," Cassie whispers.

_Johnny manages to go around the other side of the rock formation, where he finds a conveniently placed patch of bamboo and a pile of pebbles, coal, sulfer and rock salts._

_"Hm, I wonder..."_

"Oh, come on!" Jacqui groans. "And he expects us to take this seriously?"

_The scene shifts back to Shang Tsung's island where the combatants watch a magically-conjured mirage of Johnny and Reptile's battle._

_"Oh no! The saurian is catching up with my beloved, darling Johnny!" 'Sonya' cries out._

_"Will he be able to build a weapon using just those things that were lying around?"'Liu Kang' asks._

_"If he has the time, Liu," 'Raiden' replies. "If he has the time..."_  
_Johnny manages to hollow out a stick of bamboo and starts to pour the other "ingredients" into it._

_"Hssss! Grrrrrrng!"_

"Why doesn't Reptile just ninja-kick his ass or spit acid on his face?" Takeda complained.

"Whose side are you on?" Cassie moans.

"After that little 'training exercise' with the Lin Kuei, I'd actually pay to see your Dad get his ass kicked for once."

_Reptile finally comes around and is ready to pounce, but Johnny readies his "Macguyver-gun" and shoots the latex saurian, sending him flying into the air. Johnny drops into a dramatic karate stance and does a slow-motion shadow kick against Reptile that send him to the ground, then finishes with a low blow._

"So Reptile does have... You know? Down there..." Jacqui says.

_JOHNNY CAGE WINS!  
_  
"That was..." Kung Jin was speechless.

Takeda's face went green. "I've been mind-raped!"

.  
-

**Reptile**: "After nearly five years in 'Production Hell', _Mortal Kombat: The Motion Picture_ was sold to Warner Bros Studios, who, at Johnny Cage's insistance, produced the project in it's entirety without any CGI whatsoever, demanding live action makeup effects and pyrotechnics on set to give the film an air of authenticity that had not been seen in action films since Timothy Dalton in _The Living Daylights_.

The film itself was universally panned by critics worldwide, some even going as far to say that it even exceeded Ed Wood's _Plan 9 From Outer Space_ as being "So good because it's so bad." But despite negative reviews, the film managed to break records by making a staggering two billion dollars from box office sales just in the first week of release and even to this day it remains a cult favourite.

As for which parts it got right... Well, let's' just say as the last Saurian alive I won't be reproducing anytime soon. Thankyou for nothing, Mr. Cage!"


	5. Terrible Tarkatans

A/N: This is in response to a challenge posted by user YungQ94 on TRMK forum  
_  
"__Write about Baraka's last debut in Mortal Kombat, the setting being that he's leaving behind the scenes and the cast gets to say goodbye. Think of it like someone leaving on their last day of work. You can write it as a funny, a heart warming piece or with Barry bitter/angry with his role ending. Whatever."_

MK is property of Netherrealm Studios  
Horrible Histories is property of BBC  
I own nothing.

**TERRIBLE TARKATANS**

MIDWAY STUDIOS, 1993

"I don't know why I signed up for this gig. Stunt work sucks!" Baraka groaned.

When his agent told him that he had been booked for the sequel to Mortal Kombat, he was elated. All those hours on the Sega Genesis on the first game, and now a chance to be a part of the story as part of the new line up of fighters-

Or so he thought.

Instead, it was a casual job as "Stunt Double/Stand in". No actual screen time; just doing mo-cap whenever one of the other actors couldn't show up, which meant having to learn more choreography and working more hours than the cast... And not earning a single penny more.

But it could have been worse. There were tWo other members of his stunt team: Jade, a former Edenian supermodel, and Noob Saibot, an unknown hoping to get his big break.

Baraka sat in the dressing room playing his Nintendo Game Boy. It was the last day of filming and for once, he had too much down time. Suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by as John Tobias and Ed Boon burst into the room.

"How many times have I told Hanzo to always 'watch the set' whenever he teleports!" Tobias exclaimed.

"I told you we needed a bigger stage," Boon replied. "Now we got no set, we're down one cast member and we got a release date to meet."

"We still have the blue screen?"

"That'll work," Boon cocked his head towards Baraka. "How about this guy?"

"Me?" Baraka asks.

"Yeah you, stunt guy," boon replies. "Scorpion teleported into the wall and broke his leg. We've still got one more scene to shoot."

"Okay, I'll suit up," Baraka says as he takes a spare Ninja outfit from the wardrobe.

"There's no time for that!" Tobias says. "It's you or nothing!"

"Say what-?"

The next two hours were spent with Baraka in front of the blue screen executing kicks, punches, jumps, blocks.

"That's great stuff, Baraka," Boon says.

"Now all we need are a couple special moves," Tobias says.

"Like what?" Baraja replies.

"Well, you're Tarkatan. Show us something only a member of your race can do."

"How about this?" Baraka unsheathes his blades.

"...Whoa!" Tobias and Boon both stare as Baraka does a 540 spin.

"I think we just saved the project."

.

A month later, Baraka was checking the mail when a package arrived. Opening it, he discovered an autographed copy of MK2 along with a VHS tape labeled "thanks."

Placing the video in his VHS player, Baraka was greeted by the cast and crew.

"Hey Baraka!" Tobias cheered.

"We just wanted to express our outmost gratitude for saving the project at the last minute," Boon added.

"And we could not have been more lucky!" Tobias continued. "You are now one of the top characters preferred by players."

The rest of the video consisted of short messages from the other cast members:

_Scorpion:  
_"Hey Barry, it's Hanzo. The doctors say I just give up stunt work, but I say 'not gonna happen'. Just want to say thanks for stepping in for me. All the best..."

_Kitana:_  
"Hey Baraka, it's Kitty. Great to see that you finally got the big break. Looking forward to working with you again."

_Mileena:_  
"It's Milly. Barry, I've been trying to call you but you never answer the phone. I thought that after the time we spent in Kitana's dressing room, we had something special going..."

_Sub-Zero:_  
"It's Kuai. Just wanted to say thanks for the man-to-man chats after my brother got killed in that 'industrial accident' while shooting the last game. You're an inspiration!"

_Noob Saibot:_  
"Pssst! Don't tell anyone, but it's me - Bi-Han!"

.

MIDWAY STUDIOS, 2004

Filming for _MK: Deception_ was in full production when one day, Tobias and Boon called the cast and crew together for a huddle.

"Okay people, we just got off the phone with the programmers. We've got good news and bad news," Boon says.

"Let's start with the bad news," Tobias continues. "We're going to have to extend production for another year, meaning extra shifts and longer working hours."

A deep groan from everyone.

"Good news is that everyone will be getting a twenty percent pay rise, plus we managed to bring back an old friend!"

Baraka enters the set. "Ladies and Gentlemen, guess who's back?"

Everyone cheers at the news.

"Okay everyone," Boon calls. "Back to work in ten. We're doing-" he checks the script "-Scorpion special moves."

"Hey Barry!" Scorpion calls.

"Hanzo!" Baraka replies. "Wassup? How have you been?"

"Not good man, the press have been giving me flak."

"About what?"

Hanzo sighed. "Todd McFarlane is trying to sue me for plagiarising _Spawn_'s origin story."

"You're kidding?"

"Nope. He's willing to drop it if I can prove that Scorpion can outpower Spawn."

"How do you plan to do that?"  
Hanzo produced a can of kerosene. "Live action pyro for the Toasty.

"Is that safe?"

"I've lined the mask with Kevlar. It's safe."

"But isn't the whole point of the toasty is that you do it unmasked?"

"Places everyone!" Boon calls.

"Gotta go, man. Wish me luck," Hanzo tells Baraka as he pours a mouthful and kerosene into his mouth. Baraka watches as Hanzo stands in front of the blue screen and strikes a pose.

"Roll it," Tobias shouts. "Action!"

Hanzo takes off the mask and spits out the kerosene-

And his head catches on fire.

"Help! Somebody help me!"

Baraka immediately runs to grab a fire extinguisher.

"No!" Tobias says. "Keep rolling!"

"Are you nuts?!"

"This shot is perfect!" Tobias answers. "That's it, Hanzo, the flaming skull is exactly the look we want."

"I'm on fire, you idiots!" Hanzo says as he collapses.

"And cut!" Boon calls.

.

The following years were not that kind to Midway Studios. Scorpion's failed stunt – as well as his legal battle with Todd McFarlane – meant that Tobias and Boon had to fork out millions and millions of dollars worth of injury compensation, legal fees plus bills for facial reconstruction surgery.

Eventually in 2009, Midway had to sadly file for bankruptcy until they were bought by Warner Bros and revamped into the new and improved Netherrealm Studios…

"So we need to give the fans something that is true to the game, while introducing new elements," Boon said. "Suggestions?"

"RPG," Sub-Zero suggested.

"Romantic choices," Mileena added.

"What about a cross-over?" Baraka said. "We're now with Warner Bros after all."

"Who do you have in mind?" Tobias asks.

There's a knock on the door of the conference room. Baraka gets out of his chair to open it.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you… **_SUPERMAN!_**"

.

**Reptile**: "Good ol' Barry! Hehe, those were good times. If it weren't for him, I'd be in makeup for three hours every morning putting on the prosthetics to look human, then spending another five hours every night just trying to get it off.

There was this one time when he suggested that I keep the makeup on while we went on the town trying to pick up chicks. You wouldn't believe the looks on those girls faces when I ripped off the fake skin and showed them my... You get the picture."


	6. Pugnacious Police Officers

**PUGNACIOUS POLICE OFFICERS**

_Bad boys, whatcha want  
Watcha want, whatcha gonna do?  
When Shao Kahn come for you  
Tell me whatcha wanna do,  
whatcha gonna do?_

_Bad boys, bad boys  
whatcha gonna do?  
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?  
Bad boys, bad boys  
whatcha gonna do?  
Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?_

_COPS_ is filmed on location with the men and women of law enforcement. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty in a trial by Kombat.

.  
.

MANHATTAN ISLAND, NEW YORK  
1:15PM

Stryker and Kabal are in a NYPD squad car driving through the streets of Manhattan.

"Just another day on patrol," Stryker comments, turning to face the camera man in the back seat.

"You know, just for once I'd like to see something exciting happen," Kabal adds. "Ten years doing SWAT and Riot control, things get boring when you're put on patrol duty."

"Amen to that. Hey, heads up. Looks like we got a call girl operating outside of normal hours."

"Even by New York standards, that is one kinky outfit."

The camera pans to show Mileena standing across the street. Stryker and Kabal park the car and make their way towards her.

"Ahem, somewhere you're supposed to be, young lady?" Kabal asks.

"Mommy and I are just waiting for Daddy to arrive. He's going to be launching a massive take over!" Mileena giggles.

Kabal glances at Stryker who gives a suspicious nod and mouths "..._drugs_."

"And would your... 'Handler' happen to be around? And why are you wearing a mask?" Stryker asks.

"What's going on here?" Sindel appears and joins Mileena at her side.

"Mommy! These two crooked cops were trying to proposition me for obscene services!" Mileena whines.

"She's her _mother_?" Stryker grimaces.

"It burns! It burns!" Kabal shields his eyes.

"You two have the nerve to treat my step-daughter as a second class whore?" Sindel exclaims.

"Well, you two look-" Stryker started.

"You are talking to a _Queen_!" Sindel walks up and kicks him in the groin.

"Gagh!"

Kabal produces a set of handcuffs. "That's it, I'm placing you two under arrest!"

"No one has the right to arrest the Empress of Outworld!" Sindel opens her mouth to scream, but Stryker shoots her and Mileena down with his taser.

"Let's see what's under the mask," Kabal says as he unmasks Mileena. "Holy-!"

"Oh my - put it back, put it back!" Stryker begs. "What kind of mother neglects her step-daughter's dental care and makes her dress like a hoe?"

"We can get our answers when we drop them off at the station," Kabal replies as he and Stryker cuff the two Edenians and drag them to the back seat of the police car.

"Looks like you're going to have to share the back with the two hookers," Stryker sniggers at the camera man.

They start to drive off.

"Well, look on the bright side. How often do you get to see something like this happen on patrol?" Kabal asks.

"Two cops arrest a mother-daughter pimp duo claiming to be royalty. Sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogan movie."

"_Attention all units_," the dispatch said over the radio. "_There is a 'jumper' on the roof of the UN Headquarters building. Suspect is to be treated as armed and dangerous_."

"That's only six blocks away," Stryker says. "Looks like we're it."

"What about 'Princess Butterface' and 'Queen Cougar'?" Kabal asks.

"They're going to have to wait in the back until backup arrives."

They arrive at the UN Headquarters where they are greeted by a security guard.

"Thank God you're here," the guard says.

"What's the situation?" Kabal asks.

"Some nut in a lizard costume was spotted free-climbing up the building. He's now standing at the edge of the roof."

"Let's go grab him and bring him down."

They take the stairs to the roof and see Reptile standing at the edge holding a selfie-stick and a microphone.

"You negotiate, I'll take him," Kabal says as he unholsters his taser.

They start to creep up behind Reptile.

"And thus began the Outworld invasion of Earthrealm-"

"Sir, step away from the edge!"

"Damn it! That was a perfect take!" Reptile complains as he turns around. "I'm tying to film a documentary here and you two ruined the shot!"

"Sir, step away from the edge," Stryker repeats.

"I-"

Kabal shoots him in the back with a taser.

"You will respect our _AUTHORI-TIE_!" Kabal shouts as Stryker whips Reptile in the face with his baton.

"This is police brutality!" Reptile complains.

"Oh really? Then why do you have an extendable staff weapon?" Stryker demands.

"It's a selfie stick!"

Kabal douses his face with capsicum-spray.

"Arrgh! It stings!"

"It's supposed to, you weirdo!"

"My species is allergic to vegetables!" Reptile manages to free himself from their restraint and leaps over the edge to a cleaner's scaffold.

"He's getting away!"

A dragon flies down the street pursued by two Apache Helicopters.

"...Did you just see that?" Stryker asks.

"See what?"

.

.

.

Reptile: "Despite Earthrealm having superior military technology, the forces of Outworld were able to quickly overpower military and police forces with ease simply because they had no idea how to handle the threat of an alien invasion-"

_BANG!_

"Watch it! As I was saying, Shao Kahn had entered into an alliance with the Netherrealm, as well as the Lin Kuei cyber-initiative led by Sektor-"

_BANG!_

"Hey! That nearly got my tail! Kurtis Stryker went on to join the Earthrealm fighters, using nothing more than police SWAT tactics to fend off the invaders-"

_BANG!_

"Stop shooting at me!"

.

**Coming up:  
**\- More Stupid Deaths!  
\- Looney Lin Kuei  
\- Superfluous Shirai-Ryu (or: _The Misadventures of Hanzo and Takeda) _  
\- Easy Elder Gods

Until then, pls **Fav &amp; Review!**


	7. Stupid Deaths: Kana Hasashi

**Stupid Deaths: Kana Hasashi**

_Stupid deaths, stupids deaths  
They're funny 'cause they're true  
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths,  
__Hope next time it's not you!_

"Where are we, Mom?" Jubei asks.

"This the Netherrealm, darling," Kana replies.

"It's so hot!" Jubei whines.

"Don't worry sweetie, I'm sure we'll find somewhere cozy."

"May I help you?" Quan Chi asks.

"Hi!" Kana says. "We're new arrivals."

"Names?"

"Kana and Jubei Hasashi."

Quan Chi accidentally drops his clip board.

"Is there a problem?" Kana asks.

"No-no! Not at all!" Quan Chi grins broadly as he picks up his clip board. "So tell me, how did you end up here?"

"Well, we're kind of here because of the Lin Kuei / Shirai-Ryu conflict."

"Shirai-Ryu?" Quan Chi rubs his chin. "That was the clan out of Japan wasn't it?"

"They're all _dead_," Jubei says.

"Jubei!" Kana says. "As I was saying," Kana continues. "My husband Hanzo went away on 'business' one night. You know – Secret ninja stuff. Suddenly there's a knock on the door and Bi-Han bursts into our home."

"That name does ring a bell…" Quan Chi muses.

"Sub-Zero?"

"Oh yes! Nice fellow, great guy to work with."

"That's what we thought as well until we heard all this commotion outside as people started screaming and running out of their homes. Sub-Zero then drew an ice-sword and killed us. But for some reason, he acted a bit strange…"

"Oh?"

"For starters he looked really pale and thin. I thought that maybe he must be on meth, but I know for a fact that the Lin Kuei are very strict about drugs – though that Sektor kid had a rep for being a bit twitchy."

"Errr…" Quan Chi's hands start to shake.

"He's _ugly_!" Jubei raises his finger at Quan Chi.

"Darling, that's enough!" she looks at Quan Chi apologetically. "You have to excuse my boy, he has a very morbid imagination. Got it from his father."

"No need to apologise," Quan Chi replies as he looks down at Jubei. "We're going to get along just fine, right son?"

Jubei is terrified.

"Well, I think it would be best if you to simply proceed," Quan Chi smiles.

"_Arigato_," Kana replies as she ushers Jubei away. "Come along, darling, let's see if we can find your father."

Once they're out of sight, Quan Chi sighs and buries his head in his lap.

"I should have listened to Shinnok…"


	8. Loony Lin Kuei

**Loony Lin Kuei  
**

LIN KUEI HQ  
SOMEWHERE IN NORTHERN CHINA

"Take your seats everyone, we're about to start the meeting!" the Grandmaster declares.

Kuai Liang, Smoke, Sektor, Cyrax, Sareena and the other Lin Kuei members take their seats in the main hall of ther headquarters.

"First of all," the Grandmaster begins, "as some of you know, Brother Bi-Han was killed during the last Mortal Kombat tournament. We extend our condolences to our Brother Kuai Liang as he will take on the mantle of Sub-Zero. May I ask for a minute's silence as we honor our fallen comrade."

The Lin Kuei incline their heads in respect.

"…Has a minute past yet?" Smoke asks.

"Still got twenty seconds left," Sareena answers.

"Do we need to start again?"

"No, we best get to the announcements," the Grandmaster says. "First of all, Shang Tsung has declared that there is to be another tournament."

"But we just finished the last one. That settles things, doesn't it?" Sub-Zero asks.

"Shao Kahn wishes to hold a new tournament – one that will take place in _Outworld_."

A nervous murmur goes through the ranks.

"Which brings us to our next point of business," the Grandmaster continues. "The threat of a conflict between Outworld and Earth is inevitable. So we've decided to allocate a higher number of our resources into R&amp;D. Sektor?"

Sektor takes the floor, unable to hold back his enthusiasm as he grins like a sugar-high Otaku.

"I'm glad to announce that the Cyber-initiative is in full swing, and we've finally developed our first prototype: _Project Hydro!"_

The door to the hall opens as an aqua-colored cyber-ninja enters and takes its place next to Sektor.

"That is one funky suit of armor," Cyrax says.

"It's not a suit, Brother Cyrax," Sektor replies. "This is his new body. A full prosthesis consisting of ceramic plates over synthetic muscle fibres."

"So like, nothing's left?" Sareena asks.

"He still has his brain," Sektor answers. "As well as the respiratory and digestive system."

"He doesn't exactly look like he'll blend into a crowd," Smoke comments.

"That's why we added a whole new camouflage system," Sektor signals to Hydro who pushes a button on his wrist – and becomes invisible.

"Oooh," the Lin Kuei declare.

Hydro reappears and performs a _kata_ at superhuman speed, precision and strength.

"Ahhhh."

Sub-Zero raises his hand. "What about those of us with powers?"

"Yeah!" Smoke raises his hand as well.

"I'm glad you two asked," the Grandmaster grins. Behind him a projector displays a diagram of the Cyber Sub-Zero.

"Model LK 520. Cold fusion energy core in addition to superconducting circuitry," Sektor explains. "Just for you, Brother Kuai. It will enhance your powers, while your powers will enhance it!"

"I'm not too sure…" Sub-Zero and Smoke both squirm in their seats.

"What about women?" Sareena asks.

"What about them?" Sektor answers.

"Well, female ninja are supposed to be all sexy and seductive," Sareena says.

"And who wants to do it with a robot?!" Cyrax adds.

Everyone sniggers like a bunch of schoolboys.

Sektor clears his throat. "Point taken. Any other questions?"

An initiate raises his hand. "How exactly do you use the bathroom with that thing?"

"I can assure you we have taken every measure to ensure that you will all be kept alive and comfortable once the prosthetics are installed – and that includes the waste system," Sektor responds. "Here's how it works: whenever you need to use the bathroom-"

"Mmmmfffmmmm!" Hydro mumbles under his mask.

"What do you mean, 'it's not there'?" Sektor frowns.

"Ffffmmmph!" Hydro mumbles.

"The unit wasn't installed?! We planned for it though, I designed and 3d printed each part myself! So how do you, you know…?"

A gurgling sound comes from under Hydro's armor.

"_Seriously?_" Sektor grimaces. "Oh dear…"

**.**

**Reptile:**

"The Lin Kuei in favor of the Cyber-Initiative saw this as an opportunity to finally come out of the shadows and reveal themselves to the outside world as a way of showing who's boss.  
At the same time, purists such as Kuai Liang, the second Sub-Zero, saw the Cyber-initiative as a watering down of the Lin Kuei's identity and traditions.

But it's also true: in spite of all the augmentations that would enhance the cyber-ninja's combat abilities, the early models had no way of going to the bathroom, thus forcing the warriors to be trapped in a metallic shell while swimming around in their own urine and poop."


	9. Spectacular Special Forces

**Spectacular Special Forces  
**  
(A/N: This is a song fic chapter. Since Tobias and Boon have confirmed rumors about Kung Jin's sexual orientation plus MK's character list already has a soldier, a cop and a native American, it's only fitting that the Village People make a guest appearance).

.  
.

THE WHITE LOTUS TEMPLE

Kung Jin is standing at the mailbox outside the entrance to the temple.

"Mm, let's see… phone bill, water bill, electric, HBO… hey, what's this?"

He see's a letter with his name on it.

"Who could this be from?"

He opens it to find brochures for military enlistment as well as a letter:

KUNG JIN,

WITH THE LOOMING THREAT OF OUTWORLD INVASION AND THE NETHERREALM WAR, YOU ARE HEREBY CONSCRIPTED INTO THE SPECIAL FORCES. PLEASE REPORT TO YOUR NEAREST RECRUITMENT OFFICE WITHIN 48HRS. FAILURE TO APPEAR COULD RESULT IN FEDERAL IMPRISONMENT.

YOURS SINCERELY,

GEN. SONYA BLADE

(P.S. SU )

"Oh man," he groans. He folds up the letter then glances up to see Jax, Stryker and Nightwolf standing in front of him.

"What the-"

"Son," Jax starts, "are you ready to serve and protect Earthrealm?"

(cue 70s disco music)

**Stryker and Nightwolf**: _They want you!  
They want you!  
They want you as a new recruit!  
_  
**Jax:** _Where can you begin to make your worst fears come true__  
__On X-Box or a PC__  
__Where can you learn to die__  
__Handle weapons and hardware__  
__Study archaeology__  
__Sign up for the death match__  
__Or get high on Johnny's weed stash__  
__When your team and others fight_

_SPECIAL FORCES!  
You can explore the universe  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break Quan Chi's evil curse  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break his legs so he can't stand  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
You'll be fighting hand-to-hand  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
SPECIAL FORCES!_

They drag Jin kicking and screaming to an army jeep.

**Stryker and Nightwolf**: _They want you!  
They want you!  
They want you as a new recruit!  
_  
**Jax:** _If you want some combat__  
__Kano's from the land of Wombats__  
__Earn some good and easy cash__  
__Don't you hesitate__  
__There is no need to wait__  
__Takeda's whip sure leaves a nasty lash__  
__Maybe you are too young__  
__To join up today__  
__Bout don't you worry 'bout a thing__  
__For I'm sure there will be__  
__The Earthrealm Special Forces__  
__Protecting Earthrealm along with you and me_

_SPECIAL FORCES!  
You can explore the universe  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break Quan Chi's evil curse  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break his legs so he can't stand  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
You'll be fighting hand-to-hand  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
_  
Jin finds himself aboard a C17 heading to Special Forces HQ.

**Stryker and Nightwolf**: _They want you!  
They want you!  
They want you as a new recruit!_

**Jin**: Who, me?

_They want you!  
They want you!  
They want you as a new recruit!  
_  
**Jin:** But, I abhor violence!

**Nightwolf:** They. Want. You!

**Jin**: I cry like a baby when I watch R-rated movies!

**Stryker**: They. Want. You!

**Jin**: What am I supposed to do with a bow and arrow?

**Nightwolf**: They. Want. You!

**Jin**: I'm a-

**Jax**: _We_ don't ask. _You_ don't tell.

**Stryker**: Cause after we work hard…

**Nightwolf**: …We play harder

**Jin**: Um, okay…

_SPECIAL FORCES!  
You can explore the universe  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break Quan Chi's evil curse  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
Break his legs so he can't stand  
SPECIAL FORCES!  
You'll be fighting hand-to-hand  
SPECIAL FORCES!_

SPECIAL FORCES!


	10. Eclectic Edenians

**Eclectic Edenians**

"Alright everyone, gather around! We're taking a family photo!"

Sindel gathers herself, Jade, Mileena, Tanya, Rain, Taven and Daegon and sets up a camera on top of a tripod.

"Now where is Kitana?"

Princess Kitana, wearing an excessive amount of makeup, strides up to the camera and repositions it while she strikes a glamour pose.

Jade groans. "Oh for the love of-"

.

**_KEEPING WITH THE EDENIANS_**

.  
.

THE EDENIAN ROYAL PALACE

_Reptile: So, Princess Kitana, what's it like having a live-in bodyguard?_

_Kitana: Jade is simply fantastic! Not only does she keep an eye out for me every waking hour, she freely helps out with all the daily chores around the home._

_Jade: I only get four hours sleep every night. I never get vacation time. And if every other guy isn't trying to hit on Kitana, they'd be ogling at me. What did I ever do to deserve this burden! Don't get me wrong, the royal family are really nice and Queen Sindel is so lovely... though she could really use some singing lessons.._

Jade is in the kitchen busily scrubbing s tower of dirty dishes, her fingers pruned and wrinkly. Suddenly a fanfare blasts out of a speaker outside.

"Attention all citizens! Please rise and join our beloved Queen as she sings the Edenian National anthem!"

"Nooooo!" Jade screams as she ducks for cover and the tower of Porcelain shatters around her.

_Jade: *sob* It took me the whole day just to clean the dishes from yesterday's dessert!_

.

THE NEXT DAY...

_Sindel: There are many earthrealm holidays that Edenia adopted after the war was over - Christmas, Chinese New Year, Groundhog Day, the Superbowl - but the royal family has always had a special place in our hearts for Father's Day. _

"So why can't I go see Daddy on today of all days?" Mileena whined.

"For the last time, Milly, Shao Kahn is not your real father," Sindel replied.

"But you married him and became his empress, and since I'm Kitana's clone that technically makes him my step-daddy at least, doesn't it?"

"We are not having this conversation again!" Sindel cut her off as the two entered the castle court chamber where a messenger ran up to Sindel with a scroll.

"M'lady, Prince Rain sends his apologies that his journey back from the Outworld peace summit will be delayed for another night," the messenger says.

Sindel rolls her eyes. "He's probably using his travel allowance to visit another brothel. Is that all?"

The messenger clears his throat. "His Lordship King Jerrod has just arrived."

Sindel's eyes start to water. "...Jerrod?"

_Kitana: Father's back?!_

_Taven: The stories I've heard about King Jerrod. Like how when Shao Kahn threatened to take over Edenia and take Queen Sindel back to his bed chamber, Jerrod stood up to him and challenged him to Mortal Kombat on the spot!_

Sindel and Kitana are seated at their thrones surrounded by a throng of Edenian nobles. The court hall doors open and in comes-

Ermac.

_Taven: Holy Sh-_

_Daegon: Oh. My. God._

_Tanya: Everyone knew that Ermac was made of thousands of fallen Edenian souls. What no one knew for sure was exactly WHO was in there..._

Jade immediately draws her razed-rang and drops into a battle stance.

"Not another step further, freak!"

"Jade, stand down!" Kitana orders as Ermac removes his mask, revealing the scarred face of King Jerrod.

"We are happy to see you all once again."

Both Sindel and Kitana run up to him to give a family hug.

_Jade: This will be interesting..._

"Let the Father's Day celebration commence!" Sindel declares.

"We hope everyone doesn't mind," Ermac/Jerrod says, "but We bought some music from Earthrealm."

"Ooh! I love Earth music!" Mileena cheers.

Ermac produces a CD player as pop-music starts blaring.

_Relax don't do it  
__When you want to go to it  
__Relax don't do it  
__When you want to come_

_Relax don't do it  
__When you want to come!_

_Jade: Um, well this is a strange selection of music._

Ermac starts to dance. He turns to Taven and Daegon and gestures for them to join him.

"Come, friends, get your groove on!"

_Taven: This is..._

_Daegon: ...Awkward._

_Sindel: I understand that Jerrod is but one of many souls inside Ermac, but he's supposed to be the one in control, right?_

"Psst! Kitana, a word in private?" Jade asks Kitana.

"What is it, Jade?"

"Do you notice anything weird about your Dad? He never acted like this while he was under Shang Tsung's control."

"I'm sure he's just happy to be home and free," Kitana shrugs.

"I checked the other CDs."

"And?"

"Well, it's an odd selection."

"Such as?"

"'It's Raining Men'?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Have you noticed anything odd about his behaviour?"

"Like what?"

"He hasn't said a word to your mother."

"She's got a lot of people to meet and greet."

"-but he sure prefers the company of other men."

"So he's a friendly guy."

"A bit too friendly..."

"What are you getting at, Jade?"

"Kitana, I think your Dad may be a hom-"

"Jade!"

"Ladies!" Ermac interrupts. "My, my, Jade, that dress is the most exquisite shade of green!"

Kitana shoots Jade an 'I told you so' glare.

"We've got to try it on myself sometime," Ermac smile.

_Kitana: Wait - Did my dad just say that he wanted to try on Jade's dress?!_

.

THE NEXT MORNING

"This is outrageous!" Sindel exclaims. "You're saying that my husband, your Lord and King, is gay?"

"He did seem to be acting a bit 'camp' last night," Tanya suggests.

"And what is that supposed to mean?" Sindel retorts.

Before anyone can reply, the doors open and Ermac enters-

Wearing a pair of high heels and a dress that matches Mileena's in both style and skimpiness.

"What the hell do you think you're doing walking around the castle dressed like a woman?" Sindel demands. "WHY?!"

"'Jerrod' is but one of us," Ermac answers. "We are not just men, just as we are not just entirely women."

"That's just cute," Sindel sneers.

"Yes, cute," Ermac replies. "Constantly there are voices crying out within us demanding liberty and expression. Lately the voices have become more feminine as have the desires that come with them."

"What are you saying?" Sindel sobs. "That we are not to be as husband and wife?"

"We wish to undergo the proper transformation to satisfy and fulfil the voices' wishes."

_Jade: Helloooooo!_

_Kitana: Holy Crap!_

_Mileena: So which one do I call 'Mommy'?_

_Taven: A sex change? So Shang Tsung actually made... You know, "equipment" down there?_

_Mileena: Well I was grown in a flesh pit, and I turned out alright, didn't I?_

"You can't be serious..." Sindel asks.

"We knew you wouldn't understand," Ermac replies. "We have already made arrangements with Havik who will conduct the surgery. We guess this means that this is farewell."

He turns his back and begins to leave.

"Father, wait-" Kitana pleads.

.

THE PUB, EDENIAN CAPITAL

Rain enters the PUB and takes a seat at the bar.

"Can I get a brandy?" He asks the bartender.

_Rain: this is something I do after I finish a military campaign or return from diplomatic work. Just put my feet up, have a drink in one hand, a girl in the other._

A gorgeous brunette comes up to the bar.

"Can we get a Blue Downey, please?"

"This one's on me," Rain tells the bartender.

"Why thank you," the brunette says.

"A sweet drink for a sweet lady."

"You're too kind," she extends her hand. "Irma."

Rain kisses her hand. "Prince Rain."

_Rain: She does look a bit older, but she's so damn hot. But why is she always referring to herself as "we"?_

30 MINUTES LATER...

"And so I tell Goro, the Shokan can keep their territory, but it will cost you an arm and a leg!"

"Haha! That's hilarious!" 'Irma' laughs.

"You know, this pub does have its own hotel..." Rain offers.

Irma holds up a key. "We'll see you in room 12 in ten minutes."

_Rain: Score!_

.

FRIENDSHIPS SOCIAL NETWORK

**Cassie Cage** uploaded 9 photos to the Album "**Selfies**"

**Jacqui Briggs, Kung Jin, Takeda Takahashi** likes this

**Frost** added new life event: _Kicked out of the Lin Kuei_ by **Kuai Liang**

**Bi-Han, Sektor, Tomas Vrbada, Hanzo Hasashi, Cassie Cage **likes this

**Cassie Cage**: lolz

**Queen Sindel** changed her relationship status to: "_It's Complicated_."

**Shao Kahn** likes this.

**Prince Rain**: is _in a relationship_

_Reiko, Kotal Kahn, Devora, FerraTor, Reptile_ like this

.

THE EDENIAN ROYAL PALACE

Rain enters the palace and is greeted by Taven and Daegon.

"Yo Rain!" Daegon calls. "How was the peace summit?"

"Fantastic!" Rain answers. "We finally negotiated peace with the Shokan, plus Earthrealm has agreed to exchange their telecommunications tech for Edenian medicine." He holds up a new IPhone 6.

"That's so cool," Taven replies.

"So we heard you got a new hook up?" Daegon asks.

"Sure, do, the complete package. Looks, brains, everything," Rain answers. "So what's been happening around here?"

"Bro, have we got news for you," Daegon starts. "King Jerrod, aka Ermac the soul freak, is now a woman!"

Rain's eyes widened. "You're kidding?"

"Nope. Total sex change thanks to Havik," Taven replies.

"That is hysterical!" Rain laughs.

"I know right?" Daegon says as the three share a chuckle.

"Suck on that one, Sindy!" Rain adds.

"Seriously though, her highness isn't taking it well," Taven says.

"Dear elders gods, what does it look like?" Rain asks.

"Surprisingly good," Daegon replies. "Not something I'd tap, but definitely MILF material."

"Man this is going to be a tough road ahead," Rain says. "I mean, what do those people do in terms of relationships and sex?"

"I dunno," Daegon answers, "it's got to be a fatality down there after the surgery."

"Is she still here? Maybe I should go take a look."

"No, she had a falling out with Sindel and she went to the pub," Taven explains.

"Damn, I was just there," Rain shook his head. "Maybe I saw her and didn't know."

"Oh believe me, you would know!" Daegon grins.

Rain let out a long whistle. " So what do we call Jerrod now? Jerry? Geraldine?"

"Just 'Irma'."

Rain's face goes white.

"Rain, calm down, what's wrong?" Taven asks.

_"I HAD SEX WITH HIM!"_

"What!?"

"I HAD SEX WITH ERMAC AT THE HOTEL!"

"Argh! Why?!" Daegon demanded.

"I didn't know!" Rain yelled. "I had no idea it was her!"

"Oh my God!" Taven screams.

"How could this happen!?"

.

.

.

KITANA'S CHAMBERS

_Kitana: I've been up all night worrying that Dad may have either gone for good._

Irma suddenly teleports into the room.

"Dad! I've been worried sick! Where in the world have you been?"

"We went to the pub," Irma answers. "We just needed to be by ourselves."

"Look," Kitana starts, "about Mom..."

"She'll come around. We just wish that we hadn't dropped the bombshell so recklessly. But, there is something I need to tell you."

"What is it?"

"I've started an affair."

"Who with?"

_Kitana: NOOOOOOOOOOO_!

.

THE TEMPLE OF ARGUS

_Rain: I feel dirty beyond measure_!

Rain knock on the door.

"Please, I must see the priest immediately for a cleansing ritual!"

An old priest in a sackcloth robe opens the door.

"What makes thy soul downcast, brother?"

"King Jerrod got a sex change and I-"

"WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS THAT ARROGANT, SELF-CENTERED SON OF A BITCH?!"

Rain glances over his shoulder to see Sindel and Kitana running towards him.

"Please, I had no idea it was-"

Sindel proceeds to recreate her cutscene from MK9 - totally pwning a helpless rain as she and Kitana take turns beating him to a pulp.

"IF I SEE YOU ANYWHERE NEAR MY FAMILY AGAIN I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!" Sindel screams.

Kitana stomps him in the groin. "Now lay there and die you worthless piece of crap!"

"Hey, Kitana, I just want you to know," Rain rolled over and spat the blood out of his mouth.

"I f-ed your Dad! And I totally **_FINISHED HIM_**!"

**_RAIN WINS_**

.

.

(A/N: Credit goes to the Jenner/Kardashians, the one and only Seth Macfarlane for Family Guy as well as the writers of Bold and Beautiful for the twist in Maya's backstory).

Next up: **Superfluous Shirai-Ryu (or: ****_The Mis-Adventures of_**_**Hanzo and Takeda)**_


	11. Superfluous Shirai-Ryu

MK is property of Tobias and Boon.  
Horrible Histories is Property of BBC.  
Batman and Arrow are properties of DC

I own nothing.

**Superfluous Shirai-Ryu ****_  
_**

(A/N: WARNING lots of OOC ahead, but the MKX comic is publishd by the good people at DC after all…)

_My name is Takeda Takahashi.  
For the past fifteen years I've been training under a hellish ninja sensei with only one goal: _to win Mortal Kombat_. But to do so, I can't be the ninja I once was.  
I must become someone else.  
I must become SOMETHING else…  
_  
PREVIOUSLY ON

**_KUNAI:_** **_The Misadventures of Hanzo and Takeda_**

Deep within rural Japan, in a certain ninjutsu training temple, a certain ninja master and his young apprentice Takeda ponder their destinies in the wake of Fox's brutal attack…

"Holy decimation, Hanzo! Our clan is down to just the two of us!" Takeda exclaims.

"Consider for a moment, my faithful chum," Hanzo Hasashi replies. "There are indeed darker forces at work here."

"What shall we do?" Takeda asks.

Suddenly the skies are alit by a flood light projecting the silhouette of-

_A stinger…_

"The Shirai-signal! Raiden needs us," Takeda says.

The stealthy duo dash towards a strategically-placed bookshelf where Hanzo pulls a lever, causing the case to slide open, revealing a pair of fireman's poles.

"To the Scorpion cave!" Hanzo calls.

They dive down into a dark cavern containing an arsenel of weapons, gadgets and…

"The _Scorpion-Mobile_! Wait, Takeda, where's the car?" Scorpion asks.

"Well, you know how I had that date with Jacqui last night? Well, it kind of met with a 'fatality'."

"You said 'not a scratch'!"

"I know! But at least the Special Forces were willing to compensate."

"They gave us a tank?"

"Well, not exactly…"

"Takeda…"

"Jacqui said we could use her Dad's car."

Takeda flips a switch and lo and behold: a Datsun 120Y.

"I took the courtesy of fully customizing it," he says.

"Impressive," Hanzo replies as the duo get in. "Turbo-Plasma ignition?"

"Check," Takeda replies.

"Superconducting reactor coil?"

"Good to go."

"Air freshener?"

"Online."

"Now set the radio to FM classic Pop-Asia."

Takeda turns the knob until "Gangnam Style" starts blasing out of the stereo.

"And Takeda?"

"Yes?"

Hanzo holds up a steering lock. "Do you happen to have the keys for this?"

"…no."

"Damn it. We'll just have to proceed on foot!"

"I don't see why we can't just teleport to where we have to go?"

"Don't tempt me, boy."

_Meanwhile, at a secret meeting between the Red and Black Dragon gangs…_

"I don't know why the 'contact' had to choose a conveniently abandoned warehouse for the meeting," Kano said.

"The least he could do is show up on time," Hsu Hao.

"Hee-Hee-Ho-Hee-Hee-HAHAHA!" a voice cackles.

"Argh, don't tell me…" Kano groans.

"Not him. Anyone but him!" Hsu Hao complains.

"That's right kids, your ol' pal Havik is back in town!" Havik cackles. "Now let's see the goodies!"

Kano and Hsu Hao open up two crates filled with guns, rocket launchers, ammo.

"Yippee! This is going to be so much fun!" Havik cackles.

"Ahem," Kano clears his throat.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Hsu Hao asks.

"Oh yes, of course," Havik opens up a chest full of gold coins. "I hope you don't mind cash up front."

"We don't mind at all," Kano grins-

Suddenly the glass windows above them shatter as Scorpion and Takeda make their dramatic, slow-mo entrance.

"Hold it right there, criminal scum!" Scorpion declares.

"Well, if it isn't the 'Flamer' and the 'Bushido Wonder'," Havik says. "Get 'em boys!"

"The little brat's mine!" Kano grins smugly.

(cue dodgy 60s fight theme)

Scorpion punches Hsu Hao right in the kisser.

**_BAM!  
_**  
Takeda side-kicks Kano hard in the groin.

**_SPLATT!_**

Hsu Hao tries to throw a haymaker, but Scorpion picks him up in a fireman's carry and drops him over the shoulder.

**_ZzONK!_**

Kano shoots a tackle only to have Takeda throw him straight into Hsu Hao with an Aikido throw.

**_CRASH!_**

"You're finished, Havik!" Hanzo growls.

"Not so fast, bug-boy," Havik reaches behind his back and produces-

"It's a bomb!" Scorpion gasps.

"TTFN!" Havik cackles as he runs off.

"That bomb is big enough to level five city blocks," Takeda says.

"You disarm it, I'll go after him," Scorpion replies

"Why me? Takeda asks.

"Because you're the colorful decoy – errm, I meant trusty sidekick! Besides, don't they teach demolitions in Special Forces?"

"Oh man…"

.

WILL TAKEDA DISARM THE BOMB?

WHO WILL WIN IN THE EPIC BATTLE BETWEEN SCORPION AND HAVIC?

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT INSTALLMENT OF **_KUNAI:_** **_The Misadventures of Hanzo and Takeda_**

SAME KOMBAT TIME

SAME KOMBAT CHANNEL!

.

**Reptile: **Takeda Takahashi spent most of his childhood under the tutelage of the legendary Shirai-Ryu Granmaster Hanzo Hasashi, better known as Scorpion. Young Takeda proved exceptional in his studies of Shirai-Ryu Ninjutsu, in particular with his use of the segmented _kunai_, a truly nasty weapon indeed. This combined with the telepathic powers he inherited from his father Kenshi made him a deadly warrior in his own right.

Together, Scorpion and Takeda have joined the ranks of heroic partnerships in the proud tradition of Batman and Robin, Iron Man and War Machine, Sherlock and Watson, Ted the Bear and Johnny; the list goes on.

Speaking from personal experience let me say: NEVER, EVER THINK YOU CAN SNEAK UP ON A TELEPATH!


End file.
